ian wight wight wight

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Mehhhhhh

2008-04-03T08:24:00.002Z

#86 WLTM Robert Lane ("I'm 29, I like walking, reading and drinking fine wine next to fire places. Ignore the wedding ring, it's an in-joke")

Knowing me Robert Lane, Knowing You Robert Lane

2007-11-19T17:23:00.001Z

#85 Partidge Robert Lane

"We still have a few of the Robert Lane tie and blazer badge combination sets left. Some of the boxes have superficial damage, but I was made promises about storage that were not kept"

The icing on the cake

2007-08-28T22:02:00.000Z

I haven't updated this for 5 months and the best I can do is a look-a-like?

#84 Anthony Minghella Robert Lane "I am truly, madly, deeply in love with this cake, though I prefer Ice Cream"

Robert Lane

Anthony Minghella

Yes Mr President

2007-04-03T19:17:00.000Z

#83 Presidential Robert Lane ("A vote for me is a vote for a better, stronger, safer America. A vote for me will guarantee we go to war with North Korea. A vote for me will give 12 year olds the liberty to buy firearms. A vote for me...")

Neigh

2007-03-31T17:10:00.000Z

#82 Robert Lane-Kinski ("Every day I have to watch my brother and sisters having all the fun in Ramsay Street, and I'm stuck here lost in the woods with only a photographer for company. There's no justice in this world")

(Another Kinski)

Prized away

2007-03-30T16:02:00.000Z

#81 Diplomatic Robert Lane (on the right...) ("Thankyou, it's a real honour. I look forward to our country invading your country soon")

Lord of the Sword

2007-03-30T15:55:00.000Z

#80 Warrior Robert Lane ("Destiny is not something that I choose, but something that chooses me")

Eek

2007-02-16T20:58:00.000Z

#79 WLTM Robert Lane ("Tall, skinny male WLTM female friend for good times standing underneath a bridge, while watching the eyeball-sunset")

#78

2007-02-16T20:52:00.000Z

# 78 Beardtastic Robert Lane ("You see, the main advantage of Linux over Windows is....")

Genius

2007-02-15T20:50:00.000Z

I hope this works

#77 Rotating Robert Lane ("Look at me, I go round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and then round again")

Broken promises

2007-01-20T22:17:00.001Z

Well, I promised myself that I'd make more of an effort, but alas I haven't due mainly to blahblah technical reasons. To make up for it, here are some of the best puns I've seen/heard about recently:
"If you've got the bottle, we've got the solution" (water cooler company)
"We will dye for you" (committed dry cleaners)
"We made a bridge, get over it" (construction company)
That's it, I've left my big stack of Robert Lane photos at home, and my shifts at work are DRIVING. ME. SLOWLY. INSANE. so I'm going to go and stick two pencils up each nostril.

Two months!

2006-12-12T21:59:00.000Z

Two months! That's a disgrace. I now have broadband which is less stable than a heroin addict on a rocking horse, so I'll keep it brief.

#76 Director Robert Lane ("That's great Crystal and Chardonnay, you're both looking great. Now, Brad's going to enter and ask if you've got a problem in the basement and you say...")

Slacker

2006-10-17T18:22:00.000Z

My darlings, please accept my apologies for the shocking lack of updates, though saying that assumes that anyone has actually looked. Anyway, I don't have the internet at home, only at work and as such I can only waste time sitting in an empty office after work, which is as much fun as it sounds. I now spend many more minutes updating another website instead, which has some puns, but not as many as I'd like. Eventually, I'll get back to it as I have an AMAZING collection of Robert Lanes that are itching to join the crew.

wighting for king and country

2006-09-18T22:16:00.000Z

How time flies, I was sure I'd added some Robert Lanes quite recently but it's getting on for a month. Shocking. Here's a mini military special, I'm sure there'll be more to come, Robert Lanes love dressing up.

#72 Regretting it Robert Lane ("Dear Mom. When you told me to sign up, you said it would be a life of clutching guns and winning medals. Now I'm stuck between two shiny bald men who seem to have taken quite a shine to me. Love to Dad and Mr Tiddles. Robert.")

#73 Lovin' it Robert Lane ("Dear Mom. I've made a lot of friends here at Guantanamo - it's been the best thing I ever did. And it's not just the army folks that I'm getting on with, some of those guys in orange jump suits are great fun. Even better, I came third in the Guantanamo Ping Pong tournament last week. Anyway, must dash, we're all watching 'Ace Ventura: Pet Detective' projected onto the side of a tank in a minute. Love to Dad (and Fluffykins). Robert)"

#74 Leading it Robert Lane ("Dear Mom. Sorry it's been so long, but time is tight when you're invading three countries at once. I've barely have time to grow a full moustache, though I think this wispy one oozes a certain dictator-esque authority. Anyway, as you can see I've won more medals than Muttley and now have Rumsfeld on speed dial. Keep paying your taxes. Love to Dad and Tinkerbell. Robert")

Myohmyspace

2006-08-26T22:17:00.000Z

Just tried typing my name into myspace - that place is a goldmine for fruitcakey namesakes. The excitement of finding such a wealth of weird was a bit much, so I'll have to release them gradually. We've made it to 70 though - where's my cake?

This first Robert Lane, Rev Robert Charles Lane, claims to be a humanist minister. As you can see, he is dressed as a Russian dancer and has persuaded a squirrel to rest on his groin.
#70 Stare contest Robert Lane ("Well I'm not going to be the first one to blink.")

This second Robert Lane also has a squirrel resting on his groin, but he's been unable to persuade it to sit still.
#71 High Pitched Robert Lane ("Has anyone got any ice?")

Coming soon...a military special of weird Robert Lanes.

"I've been Robbie Lane"

2006-08-26T21:41:00.000Z

#68 Journalist Robert Lane ("Well Jim, it really was a tragic murder at the prestigious megacasino...")

#69 Kite Flying Robert Lane ("Sometiiimes when I see my kite flapping up there in the little ol' sky, I think 'Hey, that's me up there, I am the kite and I can fly real high. Daddy said I'd never learn to fly but he was wrong'. I sure showed Daddy. He's not saying I can't fly anymore. In fact, he ain't say much at all anymore.")

Clowning around

2006-08-14T23:00:00.000Z

#66 So I married a clown Robert Lane ("We first met at a fancy dress party - I was dressed as Gromit, she was dressed as Wallace. Then she grimaced at me and I was smitten.")

#67 Street Robert Lane ("So it says here that to do the 'Hi-Five' we raise our hands like this and then thrust them towards each other so they slap together. Well that seems simple enough...")

At last...

2006-08-09T21:06:00.000Z

Finally, I have broadband and so dont...have...to...wait...10 minutes...for...a...picture...to...upload.

#65 Barbie Robert Lane ("Have you met my wife, Maria? I met her in Selfridges a couple of years back - I was just walking by and there she was, looking straight at me. It was love at first sight, she's changed my life. She doesn't say much but then again what would you expect from a mannequin?")

tyred

2006-07-30T08:36:00.000Z

Mmmmmm, look at my new tyres...

Long time no see

2006-07-30T08:31:00.000Z

Alas, no broadband means no new Robert Lanes. All will change soon...

Back and forth

2006-06-24T08:02:00.000Z

Before some new Robert Lanes, I want to revisit some of my past favourites.

Firstly, #54 a Warhammer fan from Mansfield. I was lucky enough to stumble across his autobiography

It's a great read.

There's also a fascinating article on how he paints his Warhammer

*Must. Resist. Mocking*

Secondly, another look at Robert Lane #60, who I'm becoming a little obsessed with, just because I keep finding new photos of him.

("This is D.E.R.E.K. the world's most powerful computer. With this we could launch a nuclear attack on North Korea while simultaneously controlling every traffic light in the US of A and flying four shuttles to Mars. We're still working on the ability to burn a CD and use Microsoft Word at the same time.")

And here's #62-#64

#62 Baldwin Robert Lane ("Now maybe I didn't marry Kim Basinger or star in a hundred B-movies like my brothers, but I have some very satisfied real estate customers and Mom is really proud.")

#63 Cheer up, it can't be that bad Robert Lane ("The only thing darker than this raincloud ridden sky is my broken heart").

#64 I am not a number Robert Lane ("If no-one else is going to say anything I will, because we're all thinking the same thing. We've been locked in this auction hall for 3 days now without an explanation and all you've done is point guns at us and turn us into numbers. Well I'm sick of it, I am not a number anymore...)

And finally...

#60 again

2006-06-18T20:58:00.000Z

Found this rather lovely picture of #60 (Cheery Robert Lane), this time showing off his ability to write gibberish on a whiteboard. If you look carefully you can see the words 'BUM' and 'GOAL' in capital letters. At least, I think it's #60...

#61

2006-06-16T09:02:00.000Z

#61 And the little one said roll over Robert Lane (in the middle) ("They told us that NHS cutbacks mean that it's one padded cell between three at the moment. It wouldn't be so bad if Derek didn't spend the whole time smearing faeces all over the wall and clucking like a chicken")

Happy happy happy

2006-06-01T10:11:00.000Z

We were discussing yesterday if you can call it Seasonal Affective Disorder if the sun makes you miserable. Answers on the back of an email.

On that note, I'm making it to 60 with 3 happy looking Robert Lanes.

#58 Chortle Robert Lane (Source of happiness: has made millions by exhibiting his tail at freak shows around the Southern States)

#59 Chuckle Robert Lane (Source of happiness: deputy president of the 34th most popular line dancing group in Kansas)

#60 Cheery Robert Lane (Source of happiness: winner of Kentuckyville Wig of the Year Competition 2003, 2004 and 2006.)

I won!

2006-05-25T16:27:00.000Z

I just won an Ivor Novello Award!

#57 Ivor Naward Robert Lane ("I'd like to thank Robert Lane, Robert Lane, Robert Lane, and all the other members of the Robert Lane Club for their support over the last few years. Most of all, I need to thank Robert Lane. You're my inspiration Robert. Thankyou.")

Not so keyne

2006-05-25T16:00:00.000Z

Have you ever spent 5 years preparing for something and then felt like you can't be bothered? Just me then. I'm thinking it's probably only a temporary feeling brought about by visiting Milton Keynes.

It may have also been that the interview was sooooo cringingly bad that I genuinely felt that I was trapped in an episode of Partridge. "Smell my cheese you mother" I shouted as I thrust a big ball of cheese towards the Horizon FM staff and ran out of the station. Unfortunately Lyn wasn't outside to pick me up and get me some Toblerones.

#55 The Wight Brothers Robert Lane ("Jimmy, we need to get you back through the Shrinkmatic 3000 before your mother gets back or she's going to kill me.")

#56 Muppet Lookalike Robert Lane ("Cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck")

Battle games

2006-05-19T16:54:00.000Z

Exams have temporarily passed, now I'm just distracted by various other things. Nevermind, time for one more Robert Lane.

#54 (stroking his hair) Prepare for battle Robert Lane ("No way, you cannot use a Zork Lord straight after a death strike. Seriously? Are you some kind of retard? I'm telling my Mum. Actually forget it, I'm not playing anymore.")

#53

2006-05-14T22:02:00.000Z

Argh! Why aren't I revising? My exam is in 14 hours! And I'll be sleeping for 8 of those. What year was Gillick v BBC? Argh!

There's always time for one more Robert Lane though. And I've seemingly found time to waste even more of my life on this uber-sad blog for anally retentive sub-editors and the like. It's a group one, so if you too are amused by being petty, let me know and you can join in. But please, don't point out all my mistakes from now on. Where were we?

#53 I use Colgate Twice a Day for a Whiter Smile Robert Lane
My mind is too full of exams to think of a quote for this chap, so I'm opening this one up. A year's subscription to the Gair Rhydd for the best one.

Keep on rocking in the free world

2006-05-10T21:43:00.000Z

Today, a special tribute to one of the best Robert Lanes I've found so far. One photo just isn't enough, this guy has a whole page of them. He's clearly living the dream, I think the band are called Derelict. There's loads more on another page, but these are pretty mint.

#52 Thankyou Milton Keynes you've been a wonderful audience Robert Lane

"Count my fingers. That's how many eyes Brian here lost when he used a Bunsen Burner without wearing safety goggles. And his hair was completely obliterated. Now he has to wear a springer Spaniel on his head and can only communicate by pointing and scrunching up his face"

"Three days of camping outside the ticket office in a sleeping bag, but this makes it all worthwhile. Front row at the World Gymnastics Championship"

"You said smart casual so I put a tie on. Now I just feel silly."

I like this picture because the girl is clearly eating his tie. I like to think it's some kind of magic effects pedal that's attached to his guitar.

And finally, Robert Lane #3 is back again, this time accepting an award at the Robert Lane Awards 2010. That's me on the right presenting the award.

He's quickly becoming one of my favourites. When I get round to it I might work out how to put a poll on this site and get a vote going for the world's best Robert Lane. Any suggestions for the shortlist would be lovely.

An advert

2006-05-08T22:04:00.000Z

Just copying Caleb and advertising the Christian Union talk on Wednesday. It's been said before, but Roger Carswell is a talented speaker. "All welcome" is an easy thing to say, but it's genuinely meant on this occasion.

The second half century

2006-05-08T15:23:00.000Z

Just one today, due to a lack of time. I'm finally revising! And in doing so I've realised that I've probably committed defamation against all 50 of the Robert Lanes in this blog. I'm just trying to think which defence to use, I suppose some Fair Comment defence could work as there's no malice involved and my comments aren't based upon facts. Or I may just have to provide an Offer of Amends and publish an apology.

Anyway, here's #51 Kickass Robert Lane. I particularly like him because he's displayed his Scouts badges around his picture. I'll have to do the same with my Boys' Brigade awards.

He provides his own caption on the bottom picture - "It is pretty simple. If you do not like jail, then do not commit crimes!!!!". I tend to assume someone that uses 4 exclamation marks in a row is insane or on drugs, but I doubt that's true in Robert Lane's case. I suspect he's a hard-ass with a heart of gold.

Irony?

2006-05-04T15:36:00.000Z

Someone said I was "part of the ignorami" the other day. That might be true if the word actually existed, but it doesn't. It's 'ignoramuses' if anything, making them part of the ignorami. Is that a good example of irony?

The big 5-0

2006-05-04T13:56:00.000Z

I'm shedding a tear of pride as I finally reach 50 Robert Lanes. The rate of progress has accelerated with me spending each of the last 3 days in an uncomfortable relationship with my computer. If anyone can work out what it says on #48's tshirt I'd be eternally grateful.

#48 Okillydokilly Robert Lane (in the middle) ("We've just had the most super time at Camp Sunshine this year. Ooooh, what hairy arms you have Patrick").

#49 Antlers Robert Lane ("Mummy says I'm special because I was one of only 3 Texans born with a pair of antlers embedded in my stomach")

#50 Children's TV Presenter lookalike Robert Lane ("Up next on CBBC we'll be putting one of the Chuckle Brothers in the gunge tank. What they don't know is that rather than using gunge we're using this toxic chemical. Text in to say whether you'd rather see Paul or Barry dissolve live on TV. Start your text with the word DEATH then either 'Paul' or 'Barry'. Coming up next, Tracy Beaker")

A housing special

2006-05-03T08:59:00.000Z

Thinking of moving house? Well why not move to Robbie Lane, where there's a whole host of attractive properties. Here's my top 3 houses with the same name as me.

#45 Number 325 Robbie Lane ("Hi, I only have one floor unfortunately. On the plus side, I'm a talking house, which must make me pretty valuable")

#46 Number 837 Robbie Lane ("Please help me, I have no roof. I'm cold")

#47 Number 211 Robbie Lane ("Look at me with my second floor, I am the nuts.")

While I'm wasting time, I found another pic of a previously featured Robbie Lane. Here's #3 (Happy Robbie Lane). I'm glad to say he still looks happy. I just hope it's not a facade covering a cold cold heart.

A black and white special

2006-05-02T15:30:00.000Z

#42 I love you guys Robert Lane.

The actual quote from this 16 year olds website is "We decided to start the band because we wanted to touch peoples hearts with our music. We love to reach out to the world so I hope you enjoy us...I love you guys." He goes on to ask you to buy their album called "Summer Days Are Like Footprints in the Sand"

It's not even worth me making one up. I salute you Robert Lane #42, a 16-year that admits to wanting to touch people.

#43 Endorsement Robert Lane ("I only smoke the finest Marlboro cigarettes; for a smooth throat and a guaranteed freshness, every day.")

#44 Football Robert Lane ("Quit it, that really hurts. Hey, 76 mind where that hand's going. And 83 - keep your tongue inside your mouth")

All work and no play makes a career

2006-05-01T15:53:00.000Z

I don't know why, but the structure of the European Union just isn't exciting me today. So I'm resorting to wasting more chuffing time. This week, 3 Robert Lanes that look a bit look famous people #39-41.

#39 Mr Belding Robert Lane ("Screech, why is Zack chasing Kelly Kapowski round the canteen")

#40 Anthony Minghella Robert Lane ("Not only do I make mighty fine ice cream, I also make mighty fine films. Now make me mayor of the Isle of Wight or I'll leave forever")

#41 Robert DeNiro Robert Lane ("Are you talking to me? I doubt it, because now I only make dull comedies")

As a bonus, I found this rather lovely picture of one of my favourite Robert Lanes (#2 Ginger Robbie). I think he looks rather dashing.

Return to normality

2006-04-26T11:46:00.000Z

However wonderful the name Lane Roberts P.I. is, there's just not enough namesakes.

Robert Lanes #36-#38

#36 Ho ho ho Robert Lane ("They call my Comedy Bob down at the box factory because of my selection of ties. This is one of my favourite Christmas ties. It's so good I like to wear it in June")

#37 In the navy Robert Lane (on the right) ("Y'know it sure does get lonely being all at sea with just 300 men for company. But, we find ways to pass the time.")

#38 Je suis un artist Robert Lane ("Well it started off as a still life picture of a banana in a fruit bowl. But then I messed up a bit and decided to draw scaffolding on the banana and pretend it was my inner hatred escaping from the shackels of capitalism")

My new name

2006-04-12T21:17:00.000Z

I've recently been thinking about changing my name to Lane Roberts P.I. for the simple reason that it just sounds so chuffing good.

Though it's something ive wanted to do for a while, i've been further encouraged by one of my friends who has now changed his name to Maxwell Betts (I'm not lying by the way, he's actually got a library card out under the name Maxwell Betts). And who can blame him? It's a great name.

Before I make this rash decision, I had to see who I'd be sharing the name with. Alas, it's not such a large family as share my current name. Here's most of the Lane Roberts club.

#1 Rodeo Lane Roberts (with horse - note the different coloured hat, clearly he has a good range) ("They call it the 'wild west'. And I'm about wild as they come. Yes sirrrreee")

#2 King of Chicken Lane Roberts ("Come on down to my restaurant in East Michigan and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. My flame grilled chicken steaks are the finest in the whole of the United States of America")

#3 'I wanna be wanna be wanna Jim Morrison' Lane Roberts ("I think what our music is saying is that there's a fragility to life that you can't always express in words but you know is there. It's like, that moment before you die, and your life flashes before your eyes - if you survive you feel like you've cheated, that you've you've won. Yeah, that's definitely what my songs are about. Particularly the song "La di da de dee dum dee dee dee" from our first album. People say the 8 minutes of me shouting 'la dee da' at the end really make them think about death.)

Pathetic

2006-04-06T19:44:00.000Z

Before I add more lads to the Robert Lane Club, a couple of name-drops are in order. Firstly, let me recite my brief conversation with Simon Hughes MP.

RL: Thanks for your time Simon
SH: No worries. Good luck with the career.
RL: You too. *Robert Lane giggles*
SH: *Bemused and slightly offended look*

Secondly let me quote Sir Clive Woodward's whiteboard note:
"Fatigue is the enemy of performance"

Neither of those are particularly funny, I just like name-dropping. Which reminds me, I was talking to Girls Aloud about name-dropping...

Apologies, here's members #33-#35 of the Robert Lane club.

#33 Genius Robert Lane ("Now, if I simply add zis ammonium to ze raccoons nose we vill see a vonderful transformation...)

#34 Middle of nowhere Robert Lane ("So you folks got a puncture, eh? Weeeell I'm afraid Chuck's garage ain't open again until tomorrow morning, and there ain't no towns you'll be able to reach before nightfall. I'd say you'll have to stay the night here in Creepyville"

#35 Desktop Robert Lane ("Why don't you on over one evening? We can play Civilisation on my network")

More coursework + less spare time = more blogging

2006-04-01T09:12:00.000Z

#30 Conjoined Robert Lane ("Hi , we're Robert and Roberta Lane. People say siamese twins can't lead an ordinary life, but we proved them wrong. We even managed to carry on when Roberta started taking amphetamines")

#31 Natural life artist Robert Lane ("You remind me of a young Lauren Bacall. But with less clothes on.")

#32 Golftastic Robert Lane, on the right ("Have you ever noticed how people start looking like their trophies as they get fatter?")

Am I obsessed with myself or just easily distracted?

2006-03-31T11:43:00.000Z

Probably both. Despite this, I will admit to having put my name into http://www.googlism.com/index.htm
The result is that I've discovered what my namesakes are up to. It seems that...

rob lane is a full member of the institute of occupational safety and health
rob lane is the new general manager of paradise ponds & plantings
rob lane is a partner in the lawlink firm of pitt & moore
rob lane is also a replacement as campbell wigley comes into the starting line
rob lane is on the bench
rob lane is pulling in all his deputies at the navarre branch of the santa rosa county sheriff's office to help out with traffic
rob lane is pleasantly surprised by hitachi's widescreen 3ds
rob lane is growing restless for a change of scenery

Robert Lane is much busier, while Robbie Lane is merely wasting time when he should be working.

Radical

2006-03-30T17:58:00.000Z

A new name! At last, I was getting too emotionally attached to that Clash pun and forgot to change it. Here's 3 more members (I bet there's a few websites that have that phrase, guffaw guffaw).

#27 quarter back Robert Lane ("Let's play some FOOTBALL people")

#28 presentation Robert Lane ("Before you take the photo, let me add an exclamation mark to this board so I look more interesting. And I'll do a wavy line too, that'll bring out my eyes")

#29 villanous Robert Lane ("In my country, you'd be dead already")

If ifs and buts were candies and nuts it would be a very Merry Christmas

2006-03-24T17:09:00.000Z

Yikes, I'm getting lazy. Nevermind, no point dwelling on it.

#24 Talented Robert Lane - The Bobby Lane Dance Band ("When the day is dawning, on a cold a frosty morning...")

#25 Outback Robert Lane ("Nope, we don't get many visitors out here. In fact, you're the first Englishman since Noel Edmunds who told me to wear these tight jeans and tuck my shirt right in")

#26 Smillie Smillie Carol Smillie Robert Lane ("Some say I'm the luckiest guy in the whole of Delaware")

It's been too long, baby.

2006-02-17T17:13:00.000Z

I'm not sure what that title's all about, but there's been no new pictures for a while, so let's throw 3 more Robert Lanes into the den of iniquity. I feel #21 needs a disclaimer, but I'll leave it for now I think.

#20 Inspirational Robert Lane ('By the end of today ladies and gentlemen I personally guarantee you will be a more motivated individual, ready to tell the world "Yes! I can do it"')

#21 Front page Roberta Lane ("You know, I'm really an actress. This is just a part-time thing")

#22 Suspicious Robert Lane ("How do you like my impression of the Mona Lisa?")

I should really write something intelligent

2006-01-27T17:03:00.000Z

"Oh forget it Rea", as one of my heroes once said. Let's just have a few more pictures of people called Robert Lane. My favourite is #19, who's actually showing off his name. I'll think of some pseudo-intellectual and wildly verbose rubbish later. Isn't 'verbose' a great word? Isn't 'great' a dull word? Isn't there some better way I could be occupying my time?

#17 Line-up Robert Lane ("How could I have done anything wrong? I've had my fingers in an electric socket all day")

#18 Super Robert Lane ("Let's go kick some butt Hydro Girl")

#19 Name-badge Robert Lane ("Maybe if I keep knodding they'll think I understand what they're talking about")

Destroying the patriarchy of the Robert Lane club.

2006-01-21T12:21:00.000Z

I have not slept, I have not eaten, I have hardly breathed such has been my search for a female Robert Lane. So, I present Robert Lane #14, or Bobby Lane Wiggins Dillman.

To avoid sexism, here's a couple more males: #15 Sailor Robert Lane ("One day I hope to put my face on the right way up")

#16 Great outdoors Robert Lane ("OK Team Squirrel, last one back to base only gets pink marshmallows in their hot chocolate tonight")

Welcome to the club boys

2006-01-14T18:35:00.000Z

It just occured to me that I'm yet to find a female member of the Robert Lane club. Clearly, that sounds like a foolish statement but there must be a Bobby or something similar - I'll get to it.

Anyway, before I add the next three faces to the Robert Lane club, I would like to record my favourite quote from Celebrity Big Brother this year (I haven't been watching it, I was holding the remote control for a friend).

Michael Barrymore was complaining to Jodie Marsh that he's not a big fan of vegetarians. Marsh waits for Barrymore to walk away before saying "I'm not a big fan of dead people in swimming pools but I don't keep going on about it". Classic.

Anyway here's three more Robert Lanes:

#11) Model Robert Lane ("Could I tempt you to join me for a walk in the park this fall? We can discuss my love of natural woollen scarves and crack cocaine.")

#12 Can We Fix It Robert Lane ("*Sigh* I'll be honest, it's going be Thursday before I can get a new devalver washer, and that's only if I order it; which I'm unlikely to.")

#13 Happy families Robert Lane ("Now smile kids, we may be trapped in the batcave, but let's look chirpy and maybe he won't kill us all")

Should I feel exploited?

2006-01-07T23:13:00.000Z

This is going to sound like a narcissistic list, but indulge me for a minute and I'll get to the point.

In the last few years I've written an article that was published in a national newspaper (and done a significant amount of research for the same paper). I've done weeks of week for local commercial radio (including putting together voicers and packages that were broadcast and written reams of copy that were read out). I've carried out interviews that were broadcast on local TV. I've written copy that was sent out on a national broadcasting network to over a hundred radio stations. I've even counted a sweaty man doing press-ups to decide if he should be selected for a TV programme.

I could go on, but I'm even starting to bore myself.

But here's the punchline; I've never been paid anything at all for a piece of journalism, or anything close. Last week, I was offered expenses for the first time in my life. 34p a mile for petrol seemed like a massive leap forward from free work to a proper job. Prior to that, it's cost me money to work for national newspapers and local stations. Work at a national newspaper in the summer cost me a couple of hundred pounds in travel. Luckily I had somewhere free to stay.

There's a painfully optimistic piece on the NUJ website, discussing the work experience racket. I'm quite fond of the NUJ, with the bi-monthly magazine of people holding placards. But surely even they can't pretend that any company is going to pay someone on work experience for something that gets published when there's a dozen other people that would take the 'job'.

In my case, and I think in the case of the vast majority of people trying to get into the industry, the aim is to get something broadcast. It suggests that you've reached a quality threshold that means that one day, in the far far future you might get a real job. Or at least get expenses.

In most other industries this would be unacceptable exploitation, and it's only recently that it's started to annoy me. Before that I was ready to grab anything as a means to an end, whatever the cost to myself. But I've started to realise that this is a pattern that's likely to carry on if and when I do get a paid job. I've now met a few journalists who are being exploited either with their time or their money (or both).

At one national paper I met a young man who produces one of the most popular pages in the whole paper on a daily basis. He's been there for well over a year and gets paid nothing for his Monday to Friday work. His only consolation is that he now gets paid for doing a tedious and unskilled job at the paper on Saturday. Last time I spoke to him he didn't see any hope of a permanent job.

Most remarkably he didn't show any sign of complaining that he was providing them with something they could make money out of, and he was getting nothing but experience in return.

Of course, the reasons are obvious and complaining is fruitless. It's a competitive industry and there's usually someone that will work for less. It's also an industry where academic qualifications are optional, so the workforce is far too flexible.

Maybe I should appreciate the NUJ and the minimum wage more. Without them, I wonder how many years it would be before there was just one man raking in the cash while an army of skilled journalists work for free and make ends meet with night-time bar work.

I'm too young to be this bitter.

The Robert Lane club

2005-12-27T18:36:00.000Z

3 more people called Robert Lane join the club. This is starting to take over the entire blog...

#8 Fishy Robert Lane ("My lady and me are going to eat well tonight"

#9 Stoner rock Robert Lane (" da da da da da da da bowwowwowowwow")

#10 Wrestler Robert Lane ("do you like my belt?")

One more

2005-12-17T14:26:00.000Z

Just one more of my namesakes because I just found this one, and LITERALLY wet myself laughing.
#7: Dancing Robert Lane ("La la la la la la la la la la cha cha cha")

More of us

2005-12-17T14:12:00.000Z

I think it's time for a few more of my namesakes:

#4. Teenage Robert Lane ("I'll see you at the crossroads, crossroads, crossroads..."

#5. Clever looking Robert Lane ("Come over to mine and we can discuss Bronte...")

#6. Beardy Robert Lane ("Would you like to see my fancy dress wardrobe?")

Addendum

2005-12-15T23:34:00.000Z

I've been told off, and quite rightly, possibly, maybe. I was told I missed my own point in my last post, and I'm beginning to agree and think I misquoted myself. Maybe I've been talked round, but I think I'm talking myself round, if you see what I mean.

So what did I mean? Well, possibly that I have a desire to be a good journalist, but less desire to work nationally and schmooze with media darlings. Is that what I mean? Probably not, I love schmoozing and have been perfecting my schmooze of late.

I don't know, it's late (you'll have to take my work for it, since times of blogs seem to be as predictable as a pregnant David Lynch film on acid (is that a better analogy?)), and I'm too busy looking for my missing public admin notes.

Anyway, the conclusion is don't take the last post as gospel. Use Matthew, Mark, Luke and John for that.

Nearly, but not quite.

2005-12-11T00:48:00.000Z

I've got lazy of late in my blogging, maybe I'd be more keen if someone was paying me. Or, maybe not. Anyway, yesterday we had the pleasure of a Q&A with Alex Thompson, who did two things: firstly, he reminded me that a good deal of journalism is confidence. And secondly, he made me feel guilty for my lack of ambition.

On the confidence front, while he seems to be able to naturally control an interview, for me it's something that comes and goes depending on what kind of mood I'm in, how hungry I am and what the weather's like. Maybe it's something AT has worked on, but I suspect not. Perhaps that's what separates the great from the good. He seems to have natural confidence all the time, whereas mine is as predictable as a heavily pregnant woman.

I feel I should also say that AT weakened the theory I've heard that the people at the top are there through thinking they're good rather than being good. He clearly understands the industry and his audience far more than most journalists. Incidentally, Alex Thompson will be marking my work later in the year, so being a sycophant is my duty and joy.

As regards ambition, I found myself slumping down and hiding in my chair with embaressment as he began to talk about finding your focus and going for it. I think he envisaged us all going for his job, or something similar.

My current ambition is to find a nice job at a nice radio station in a nice part of the country with nice people. Once I get bored of that I plan to slide into production, or a press office or something similar and live as normal a life as I can manage in journalism.

Alex Thompson made me lust for a working week where I interview a hard-assed cabinet minister on Monday, dodge bullets in Basra on Tuesday and then trek across Uzbekistan for four days to get a story for the weekend. But then reality returned and I realised I don't much like London and I don't really want to be shot at.

So my plans haven't changed yet, but Alex Thompson's rousing speech was the closest thing yet to making me change my mind and set my ambitions on being Editor of Newsnight, rather than being a reporter at BBC Somewhere.

My namesakes

2005-11-24T22:34:00.000Z

I'm temporarily straying away from Online Journalism, which was the point of this blog, to present a selection of people on the internet with the same name as me.

1) (Smooth Robbie) "If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me"
2) (Ginger Robbie) "Look closely into my eyes, do not become distracted by other items in the room"
3) (Happy Robbie) "Now you look like the kind of man that knows quality when he sees it".

Bestival

2005-11-24T17:00:00.000Z

Just because it came out nicely, here's a photo of a festival the Prodigy might fit in better at (see previous rant).

Upsetting the middle men

2005-11-24T13:10:00.000Z

Picture the scene - 35000 middle of the road, middle aged men from middlesex that listen to Virgin Radio to make them feel young, gathered at the Isle of Wight festival in 2006. In the last few years they've hummed their way through Bryan Adams, the Counting Crows and Travis. Snow Patrol and Starsailor were a big too loud last year, but they liked the singles. It's Friday night and they're ready to rock.

And then out step the Prodigy. Keith Flint screams obscenities for the first fifteen minutes. Everyone leaves.

The Prodigy? Now don't get me wrong, I like the Prodigy, but the last time I saw them they were absolutely filthy, both in their language and the noise they made. When I saw them they were supporting Guns 'n Roses, making for a fantastically surreal night.

Last year, Morrissey was announced at the festival. The result was a barrage of abuse on one of the festivals' forums, with most people seeing him as far too radical. When Virgin Radio announced he was to be replaced by Travis there was a sigh of relief from Volvo drivers around the country.

So if Morrissey is a bit controversial, what does that make the Prodigy?

The point is that my Mum is considering going to the Isle of Wight festival. Now, I should make it clear out that my Mum isn't a former hippy, she doesn't have tie-dye dresses and a nose piercing. My Mum's a Cliff Richard fan, and not even a very big fan anymore. She didn't even know who Sylvester Stallone was when I asked her (not that that's relevant to the festival, but it does give some idea of her only distant interest in popular culture). But my Mum told me she might "like the atmosphere" at the festival, or something like that, because everyone at work was talking about it.

I doubt she'll actually make it to the festival, but I'm tempted to try and talk her round, just so she will turn up and gasp as Smack My Bitch Up starts up.

Proper gander at a different profession

2005-11-23T10:54:00.000Z

One of my possible career diversions is to become a press officer. And so it was with some curiosity that I listened in on a lecture on public relations.

I'm trying to work out where press officers sit - within what I see as the (usually) noble profession of journalism or within the mysterious world of public relations - of which, I have to admit I'm deeply suspicious of.

My suspicion mainly comes from an undergraduate lecture in which it was claimed that PR was given the name of Public Relations because the word 'propaganda' had got a bad reputation in World War 2.

Our lecturer suggested that journalists and public relations people should trust each other, but also provided a number of ways in which they manipulate each other and provide a threat to each other. It seemed to me that PR people wanted a better 'press', but weren't all that willing to fulfil their part of the bargain and become more transparent.

I was though impressed with the emphasis on accuracy that was pushed by the lecturer. The point was made that a journalist won't use a source that turns out to be false.

Most importantly though, I think I've concluded that press officers and PR officers often like each other, which suggests to me that a press officer spends most of their time as a journalist, and less of their time dealing with PR.

Knock knock

2005-11-07T20:50:00.000Z

Although I should really get over it and shut-up, I feel I must mention Cardiff's successes at the Guardian Student Media Awards. In my defence, it is relevant to this blog because it was also the reason I missed the online lecture - which this blog is officially devoted to. However hard I tried there was no way I was going to get 18 wasted students to get up at the crack of dawn.

Anyway, as a minor consolation for missing the visit of the editor of Telegraph.co.uk, I did get my forehead in today's Guardian. Some sub-editor somewhere decided he'd crop just enough of the picture to cut me out. He had clearly used the 'rule of thirds' and decided that my eyeline wasn't appropriate. Or maybe I ran over his/her dog a few years ago and this is their angry retribution.

As regards something more appropriate, I had a useful chat with someone who had interviewed me some time ago, and who I've been hounding for feedback ever since (I didn't get the job by the way, though that's fairly obvious from my demand for feedback). One particular point came up in my feedback which struck me.

During the interview he had asked me how I would deal with door-knocking - would I be willing to chase after a parent whose child had died of meningitus the day before?

I stumbled around the question, having foolishly only planned for a different moral dilemma to answer. I considered my options: 1) play the hard-assed news hound role, who'll do anything for a story, or 2) pay attention to my instinct, which from personal experience was telling me that a grieving parent doesn't want a tripod and boom mic being set up in their front garden.

In the end I fumbled towards a compromise - I'd speak to the school, and anyone else that would speak to me, maybe health authority. I leaned towards option 2 though, and certainly not with as much assertion and confidence as I should have done. As I suspected, I didn't get the answer right.

OK, so he said there wasn't a right answer. But his view was that you should try and speak to the neighbour, the uncle, the grandparents or someone closely connected, and then if you think it's necessary, go for the parents.

His thinking was that for every 9 times that you're told to stop being such an ambulance-chasing parasite, there'll be one time where the parents are desperate to tell the press that the school have let them down, or something similar.

Alongside that argument, he said that competition has to be considered as well - if you didn't door knock, you could miss a massive story and you'll be one step behind.

Although door-knocking is certainly something that I've considered, it's still not something I've reached my own conclusion on. It's also one of the many factors that led me to broadcast journalism rather than print - my experience of local print was that door-knocking for a photo or a quote was a regular occurence, whereas in broadcast it's a rarity. So in a way, I skipped the issue - or so I thought.

In my view, it's a difficult line between working in the public interest, and working in the company's interest. With the first argument put forward by my interviewer (that they might be grateful), I can see his public service claim, and I'm inclined to agree. If the parent wants answers, the chances are that other parents will be affected.

But with the second point (that the realities of the industry mean that it's competitive, so these things have to be done), I'm not sure if that's a strong enough argument. It certainly won't help the public image of a media that invades privacy and devours other people's misery (not an image I agree with incidentally, by an image problem nonetheless).

Maybe I'm just a young innocent whippersnapper, only 6 weeks into journalism boot-camp, and only a few weeks real life experience, but once you take the position of doing things in the name of competition, it can lead you into a mirky place. And in my view, that mirky hole already contains a fair few print journalists.

Pictures are the easy way out

2005-11-02T07:30:00.000Z

It's been too long since my last blog, Father. My in depth critique of the world of shorthand that I began to write is, I've decided, far too dull and self indulgent to make accessible to the wide(ish) world, so it will sit as a draft forever.

Tomorrow the former Gair Rhydd newspaper clique will head to the big city for a fancy awards ceremony, and I'm hoping that will provide plenty to write about regarding the state of journalism. It'll either be incredibly bitter as we return empty handed, or a triumphant discussion of why student journalism is the firm foundation of a strong democracy.

Until then, here's another blurry photo, this time of a motorway somewhere between Warminster and Otford.

The Power of Photoshop

2005-10-27T13:41:00.001Z

Without wishing to advertise any particular product, I recently discovered the wonder of Photoshop. While I'm sure it can be used for important photojournalism, it can also be used to give me an afro or make my head look really small-how great is that?

Another picture

2005-10-23T16:29:00.000Z

Another picture to show off my arty side

Contemptuous suggestions

2005-10-23T15:05:00.000Z

Well, (as all great sentences begin) this week's lecture looked at BBC online, and thoroughly enlightening it was too. But the one point which interested me most was, not unusually, a complete tangent. At one point someone asked the question of whether the BBC's easily accessible news archive increased the possibility of contempt.

The theory is that a juror could quite easily type in the name of a defendant into the BBC and find out that two years ago Bruce Butterneckle was sent to prison for the world's biggest ever paperclip cartel. As a result, they are more likely to feel that Bruce is likely to be guilty of running a massive hole-punch cartel than someone with no previous. Of course, Bruce is guilty as hell - the little scamp - but needless to say it's a pretty important part of the legal system which could be undermined.

The speaker from BBC Wales said that they got around this problem by arguing that a juror could equally look up a local paper's archive in paper form and find out the same information. Of course, this is a rubbish argument-the effort of sifting through 20 years of the East Grinstead enquirer for a mention of a particular crime is incomparable to typing a name into a search engine.

Realistically, if something were done it would require either a whole new wing to Bush House or a scrapping of the BBC's archiving policy. But then, the problem isn't just the BBC, there is also the parasitic (though useful) google news, lexis-nexis news database and one or two other websites out there. It would be a pointless task trying to get people to remove mentions of old crimes just in case a juror came across them.

It seems to me that both the courts and the press are quite happy to pretend they haven't noticed for now. This seems to be solution one - keep quiet and hope no-one claims they had an unfair trial thanks to a search engine.

Another option is to change the law and allow previous crimes to be mentioned in court, as was banded about as an idea a couple of years ago. There's clearly massive issues with this for innocent people, which the law is supposed to support. If you're unluckly enough to be wrongly accused more than once you might as well prepare for porridge.

A final option I can see is to make a massive fuss about it, send out a load of press releases, get one of the Jonathan's involved (King or Aitken) and write it into law that jurors will be flogged in public if they dare to look up someone's name in a search engine. In reality, this would make everyone desperate to do so when they might not have thought of it before.

So the conclusion? I say keep quiet about it and accept that the legal system is that little bit weaker than it was before. Well, it's never been perfect has it?

The Meaning of Blog

2005-10-17T10:13:00.000Z

I've finally remembered the reason for this blog-a deeply thoughtful and analytical critique of our lectures on Online Journalism, focussed around the five guest speakers from BBCi, IPC, Telegraph.co.uk, BBC Wales and a representative of 'citizen journalism'.

Despite the clear credentials of the first four, I have a funny feeling it will be the last speaker who could be the most interesting. While BBC online et al will continue to change I think they are relatively established formats now-colours will change, blackberries will be integrated and so on, but the way they gather news and effect journalism probably won't change all that much. But, 'citizen journalism' could be different.

I'm not from the school of thought that thinks that journalists will die out as camera phones allow people to make their own news, and viewers turn to blogs for news - clearly someone will need to present the mass of stuff in consumable chunks. But, the challenge will be for journalists to use the huge mass of new information. There's got to be individual investigations being published on the web and there'll increasingly be home footage of news events available for anyone that asks from them. Sorting the rubbish from the broadcastable will be the challenge. Anyway, I'm sure our guest speaker will have something to say about this.

Temporary filler

2005-10-14T16:55:00.000Z

I hate websites and blogs that never get changed ('last updated June 1st 1998') so I'm throwing in a photo in the interim before I get going. I made this picture black and white to make it look arty.

Why oh why?

2005-09-28T14:56:00.000Z

Someone from The Guardian's editorial team once said that they'd never even considering offering an interview to a recently graduated student that didn't have their own Blog. I have no desperate desire to work for The Guardian, and generally don't hang to every throwaway word of print journalists, but on this occasion I did. This will probably be the only entry, and someone from Wight Trash clothing will probably contact me in 2009 asking me to shut it down. Until then, I'll fill up space and maybe even think of something to say.